Saturday, February 28, 2009

"I likta lil pshy!"

The following has been transcribed from a mini voice recorder that was left on and carried around all night:


It was New Year's Eve 07/08 and heading into the early hours of the morning and there was still much raging to be had. By now everyone was either blackout drunk or passed out on a bed. I've been in the basement most of the night because that's where the festivities were located. Although the noise from everyone down there sounded like a prison riot, you could still hear Zeppelin blasting throughout the basement. The keg was in the far corner and the beer pong table in the middle of the room. It was like the Amazon jungle down there and I was sweating balls at this point in the night. I saw T-Bone heading upstairs for the front door so I decided to follow him and catch some cold air outside.

We walked out the front door and onto the porch. By this point it was 3:00 AM and pitch black outside, 'cept for the street light. There was a good 6 inches of fresh snow on the ground and it was cold as shit. But the freezing air felt good in my lungs and combined with being in a drunken stupor, it didn't really bother me. We started talking about our favorite zombie movies again, which tends to happens often -- drunk or not.

"All I'm saying is compared to the 70s and 80s there have been SHIT for zombie movies in the past decade."
"What about 28 Days Later, man? You know that shit was sick."
"It was pretty damn good, but it wasn't a zombie movie."
"What the hell are you talking about? Crazy dead people eating humans and getting bit turns you into one of them. Zombie movie!"
"Nah man, the 28 Days Later infected are runners."
"So..?"
"Zombies are dead. With rigamortis and all that shit, they can't exactly be sprinting around anywhere. Zombies can only shamble along. In 28 Days Later they are infected with the "Rage virus". They are "infected dead" not "walking dead". Two different things."
"Well shit, when you put it like tha--"

Boom!

I flinched hard because I thought I heard a fucking gunshot right behind me.
"What the fuck!?"
The front door crashed open and smacked hard against the house. Brio sped out of the house in a blur. He smelled like whiskey and was bolting down the porch stairs to the front yard. We thought he was going to barf his God damn brains out so we were just laughing our asses off. In the midst of our laughter a mid 90s Civic rolls up and stops in front of Tim's house. Brio stumbles up to the car as someone opened the back door and he hopped in. He slammed the door shut and the car took off and screeched around the corner out of sight.

"Huh, wonder who the fuck that could be..."
"Beats me dude, haha."

So we're just standing outside breathing in the cold air for a little longer when we hear a car speeding around the corner. I shit you not, about 3 minutes later and the Civic is back. It screeched to a halt in the same place it was before. The back door opens again, only this time Brio is EJECTED from the car, fuckin' Top Gun style and crashed into the snow. I should note at this point he is face down in the snow clutching his shirt in his left hand. He was laying face down in the snow for a minute or two and since he was shirtless we yelled at him from the porch to see if he had succummed to hypothermia.

"Aiyyo, Brio! You alive!?"
"You okay dude? Get the hell up out of the snow!"

Eventually he rolled over onto his back so we knew he's still kickin'. He sat up and looked around. The dude was glossy-eyed and looked like he just woke up from a coma. He stammered to his feet and slowly made his way back towards us and the house. Dunno how, but he made it to the steps without falling over.

"Okay dude... What the FUCK just happened?"
"Iliktlilpshy..."
"What!?"
"I likta lil pshy!"
"What the hell are you saying man?"
"I LICKED A LITTLE PUSSY!"

T-Bone and I both looked at each other in what I can only describe as shock and bewilderment. Brio made it to the top of the porch and zombie walks past us and into the house.

"Dude..."

We both broke out into laughter because the bizarreness of the situation could only be accompanied by extreme laughter. Just then we realized it was fucking cold as shit and we went back inside the house. The next day, when asking Brio what had happened, not only did he not remember the incident at all, he didn't know anyone with the car he got into in the first place.

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